Achtung: Rambling

Why do I run? It’s the most hackneyed question in all of running blogdom, and I suspect my answers aren’t much different than anyone else’s. The superficial reasons people give are pretty generic: I love it, I need the exercise/runner’s high/time to decompress, I’m good at it,I have something to prove.If you peer past the superficiality into each person’s individual history, of course the motivations are unique to each person and his or her personality, history, and needs.

I debated whether to even cover this question here, since it seems so stereotypical, but then I started thinking about it, so: Here an assortment of rambling explanations for my running addiction.

Because I love it. I just do. It’s my luxury, the way I spoil myself a little each day, the thing I look forward to most. I hardly ever don’t want to run. I love being outdoors, whatever the weather (I ran 12 km in a blizzard in the dark last February); it’s a feeling of freedom and independence, I am the only one who can get me through this, I am strong enough to achieve it on my own. It’s so simple, just me and my body, no equipment, no teammates, no spectators, just me and the road. I love knowing that my body can do it and I love the knowledge that I am, in some way, blessed to be able to run. I love pushing myself through one last wheezy, lactate-marinated kilometre repeat in the knowledge that it’ll make my next 10k that much faster (or so I tell myself!). Lest that all sound deep and existential: I REALLY love the accessories! Shoes! More shoes! Cute running shorts and matching bra tops from Nike! My beloved Garmin 405 and my little green iPod shuffle and the excuse it gives me to listen to cheesy hip-hop/dance/electronica. It’s all part of the ritual of shedding off the robotic, underachieving workaday me and getting back to who I really am, every day.

To prove that I can. Let’s face it, I’m basically one big inertial, lazy-ass mass of untapped potential. I could have been a pretty good academic, but was far too lazy for a PhD. I bitch and moan about how ridiculous my job is, and truly it requires the brainpower of a chickpea to complete my daily to-do list, and yet I’m STILL not any good at it! I could write a kickass novel, probably, but I was far too scared of failure when I had the chance, so…I didn’t. And on and on. I could be more friendly, more financially successful, more humanitarian, but I don’t, I choose to wallow in comfortable mediocrity. Running is, for some reason, the one thing I do that I approach with discipline, determination, organisational talent and long-term planning. Maybe the equation is just simple enough for my brain to wrap itself around: Work harder = better results. The more I achieve, the more I want to achieve, and the more clear it becomes that the limits of what my body can do are much further out than I thought. Last year I ran a 1:40 half-marathon on an average of 27 miles/week of training. What could I do if I doubled the mileage? Shannon and Susanne ran a HM in 1:34:xx – could I do that? How would I get there? Well, x mileage per week for y months plus z amount of speed training = 7 minute miles for 13.1 miles, I’m pretty sure. Curiosity coupled with ambition drives me even when I’d really rather lie down and take a nap.

You can’t fake it. Daily life is saturated with fakeness, superficiality, people looking for quick-fix answers, shortcuts, and the easy way out. Running, however, is one thing you can't fake. You can’t show up at a race and set a 7-minute PR without doing the work. I was going to write “You can’t show up at a 10k race and run it in 45:00 without doing the work”, but then realized there are probably some naturally talented/speedy people who can get away with that. Not me. In May 2008 I ran my first race in five years, a 10k in Volkspark Friedrichshain, in 52:xx, having been a casual runner (maybe like 18 easy miles/week) for years. Four months of consistent (if not especially high-mileage) training later I shocked myself by crossing the finish line of the Asics 10k in 45:10, 32^nd of 1500 women.

Objectively, 45:10 is no amazing 10k time, but I never thought I could run that fast. I wasn’t wearing my Garmin that race – I’d forgotten it at home – and I remember that every time I wanted to slow down, I said to myself “You have no excuse not to do your best”. And that is the motto driving me now. True, nothing big is riding on whether I get a PR in my next race, it doesn’t matter to anyone but me. But then again, if I can’t believe in myself, who can? I want to be the best person I can be for my boyfriend, my family, my cats – and running is a way to achieve that.